when it matters

Perhaps, I am the one who’s been too emotional about this.

I’m not sure my care and my love for him are just a matter of a brotherhood that I fear to loose, or something else. I have the regret now with me, wishing that none of this has ever happened.

Santiago probably right, as when you get too close and to immerse into things around, you become attached and accustomed to it. You are going to resist the change as you fear of losing it.

I never thought this could trap me into this kind of pathetic emotion. May be what happened between me and ucop before really hurts me and my soul was seeking somebody that could replace him. I tried too hard, may be, in turning my brother into what ucop used to be for me. Nonetheless, now I understand it won’t work that way, if it wasn’t meant to be that way at first place.

If only I could turn back the time, I wish I could see this and never had the attempt to go beyond what fate for me. I would be happier, perhaps, rather than sitting alone thinking that how I should deal with this let go.

Now he’s leaving, and none of what we had before seems to be important anymore for him. The silent is unbearable and drives me crazy. As much as I tried to tell myself to try to understand his situation, I just can’t. I feel all the reasons he gave were just excuses. We are just a phone call away, but then he seems to forget about that and make us like very far and unreachable.

I wish too much and too hard, but I’m aware that we both we’ll never be like what I and ucop used to be. May be that was the reason I decided not give him the postcard from the collection for his birthday, like I gave to ucop before. I did have the doubt on him for being the brother that I wanted, the one that I can count on. Yes…I have the doubt.

We are just friend with I’m the only one who thought and tried to be the best friend for him. I recalled once I shared my problem etc. to him, and I received nothing as what a good friend should’ve given. But still, I believe that he’ll realize how much I wanted this brotherhood. I was wrong and all things I did now really backfired on me now.

It hurts. It hurts.

But I will try to never break the promise I made to myself on ukhwah,

‘Ukhwah itu bukan terletak pada pertemuan, bukan pada bicara, tapi pada ingatan seorang mukmin itu terhadap saudaranya didalam doanya’.

I pray a lot for him these days, so he’ll get through his big days as it should, without any obstacle.

And I pray that I’ll be able to let him go.

I guess it is right to say, to love is to do things that we don’t want to do, as long as the person we love is happy.

I’m sorry bro. I wish someday you’ll understand.


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