the thought that i had

as i had my own sweet time after work today, while flipping through my latest photomag collection, i had a glance to trace back few hidden chapter of me which, i was more or less not aware so significant as i walk through my own path of life.
i went to college, to find myself the only one from my school there. i was totally a stranger, trying to fit in and to find new friends from scratch. in fact, my connection kind of lost with all my ex-school mate during my college years, except few friends, and that was only via emails and letters.
i made the decision to choose sheffield to read my degree without even care whoelse would be joining me, as like always, i was out of the loop of the happening kmys thing.
even sheffield probably one of the best chapters of my life, lovely years, but i realize for most of the things that made me no island, were things that i had to 'pretend' wanted to do, to join etc. i spent most time on my own - internet, enjoying smallville, sabrina, dawson's creek etc. even i walked my own self throughout summer of 02 just to enjoy 3 movies a day during weekend. i could found myself lingered around the meadowhall or the city of sheffield by myself, enjoying the moment of window shopping Jessops, Jacobs or taking a break at WHS Smith or Water Stone etc.
i didn't have group photo with my colleagues during my convocation etc. and when i flew back for good, i had nobody from my batch flew with me.
i joined PLSP and to found myself in a totally new group of people, except few faces that i met before. i tried to fit in, tried to be more outgoing. but again i realized, i was such a pretentious whenever i wanted to have myself join the group.
but then again, as we graduated from the program, i found again my only self to join my current company, and with knowing only jury, i had to start all over gain, if i were to make friends. but i was the only new guy in planning department, and it was no suprise to hear 'baru masuk ke?' questions during my early months in the company, like i appeared from mars.
and during these few days, lately, i feel again like i've been pretending to like, to know, to enjoy certain things that need me to be in a group of people.
selfish aye? or may be i'm such a freak.
but what if, i feel like my self been searching for acception that much, without realizing it is may be a fate for me to be the way i am now. standing on my own. alone, but not lonely.
walking and enjoy life on my own.

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