when i am more than a bird (p2)

Dear,

I believe most us already knew the outcome of previous HRPC that I mentioned before, and my apology if the news did not manage to reach each and everyone of you, who’s been part of the journey. Alhamdulillah, PGB committee finally agreed to release me and Insya-Allah, I’ll be joining PCSB soon. Even it deserves for such an exhilaration, I just don’t want to be overexcited prior to any appointment/confirmation letter from HR reaches me, and that’s one of the reasons I hold this thank you notes for quite a time to be written. 2005 passed us already and it’s been nearly 3 weeks since the day I heard the good news, and I believe the joy-element should be shared among us before the color faded; even I’m still sparing the room for the fear of uncertainty within me. It’s just typical and foolish of me, for being too concern about it.

The Journey
I had never been able to get over the fact that I lost back when I appeal for the re-transfer for 2nd time somewhere between April –Jul 2005. It took my OPU 3 months to process my case and came out with that decision. Personally, it was not a fair game if I were to refer it as one. A league of its own, where the rules had been set up in favor of the winning team. I know, if one good enough, the ball sure will hit the net no matter what.

It was such a disappointment for me to know how firm we had things in our grasp, but then suddenly taken away just because we were playing the game on their pitch and following their rules. So much for a fair-game, I then been transferred to other department, and prior reporting, I was called to join the turnaround of one of the plants. I was not sure whether that was the tactic some people try to play so that I could forget and mend to new chapter, but I felt like out of breath, running along the path they have decided for me. But I still me, and I started building kind of habit to be a story teller of my so-called tragic life whenever people asked about my work. Too many victims of my nonsense habit, and I feel sorry for them to be involved in such therapy.

I thought I would never been able to buck up again as I felt I lost already part of me. I’d been counting the days the left for me to serve the company and hoping some miracle like winning a jackpot of half a million, so that I could pay all my debt and get rid of the company. I did came to that point and I felt ashamed when reflecting back the promises I made and the spirit I had back when I completed my induction course in PERMATA.

But, thank Allah. There was a point where I felt I couldn’t take things anymore, I realized how much I’ve been blessed to know and have good people around me, who just not believe in me, but willing to walk with me. They helped me to see and understand a lot of things.

The exact call was somewhere after our Eid celebration, where I had experienced few things that day which sort of telling me to revive back the appeal ; the emails from my previous project manager in KL and from my colleague from my previous department, plus a long discussion with my current supervisor. All led to the thought that, if I were to let the flow take control over me, I’ll be no less than a Barbie doll. The journey continued back from that moment and Alhamdulillah, after all the hurdles, Allah granted my wish.

I had a glimpse to think back what Edz once read to us during PLSP closing ceremony which I’ve been carrying all the way till now ‘ If something worth doing, do it right’. And this is what I feel about this appeal. Honestly, this 3rd part of the journey has revealed a lot of things to me, which has taught me a lot in many ways. It was not an easy thing, to know how low people put and see you like a dump, how hard to convince the world out there to win their heart, more and more, which makes me fathom that part of the world is not my playground.

I’ve been such an emotionally fragile human being, as I felt like losing already after I had quite a meeting with my HR Senior Manager few weeks before the HRPC. I discovered subtly how the ‘game’ would be played again. More, few days before the case to be brought up to HRPC, I was quite surprised and had a bit disappointment, to discover how well my HR and my acting SGM understand my appeal case. They barely in the loop and grasped the idea of all of this.

I guess was lucky enough to catch my acting SGM prior to the HRPC meeting, or else he’d be going there with not much things known. Still, I feared as he left me with the remarks that he was still not convincing with my reasons and explanations.

I came to point of where I felt helpless and hopeless, as my mind keep replaying the dream I had few weeks before, where I lost the appeal again. Like I used to mention to some, how much the winning of this appeal, means to me, I didn’t and don’t know what would happen if things running in circle and back to where I am.

Thank Allah, for blessing the life, as I gained bit strength that morning as I kept reading the last mail from En.Tarmizi, to open up my mind and think back that we have been and trying this far and to let HIM decide what best for us. Tawakal. It was a moment where I froze all the running thoughts, and back to the root and I realized even I’ve been praying and trying that hard, I’ve been selfish. Everything was all about me and me. How much I’ve forgotten.

I wrote the mail that morning with the intention to share my feeling not only the what I’d been through, but to show my sincere appreciation and to thank for all the good things that people around me which are you guys been doing, for not making me feel alone walking along this journey. To have at least your pray and wish of good luck, such a blessed and the feedback that I received that day, bit by bit restore back my inner strength and made me realized to say ‘Come what may!’ with all my heart, even I still spared some room for the pessimistic thought and feeling in it. For that reason, I couldn’t help myself to bugging most of you with sms on the next morning, wishing for your doa’ etc.

I took morning flight to KLIA on the day of HRPC meeting itself, as I wanted to meet En.Nusral personally in the afternoon. It was not with the intention to beg or more than that, but as for sake of feeling guilty for just communicating through emails and sms for the past 6 months, without meeting him face to face. I just wanted to apology and thank for all the support I had.

Alhamdulillah, Allah gave me more than the chance to meet him. He delivered the good news to me personally. I was speechless, out of words and to think back the reaction I had, I feel myself kind of a funny bloke. The cycle is broken and i have stepped outside of it now.
I'm still standing and i'm now sure i am standing outside the circle. Even it is not about winning, but this is a sweetest victory that i feel after such years. I feel like i am more than a bird.
My chapter 26 started with a good news, if i were to put it that way and may Allah give me strength and guidance to face the days coming with open heart.
listen to: ucop's version of Aku Cinta Kau dan Dia
reading : Men's Health Jan06

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