chapter 12 - when i am more than a bird (p1)

21st December 05
i had kind of breakdown, more or less due to the discussion mail that i mentioned in my previous entry. something that got to do with my transfer appeal. but the meeting with my GM scheduled today must goes on. i arrived there early but not expecting myself to meet him before he managed to sit on his comfy leather seat in his own office. and it started earlier than scheduled. to my suprise, i felt kind of lucky to catch him that day as he told me he was not totally in the loop except since last week, where he, more or less know about my case.
it was quite a session where i had to explain things again to him, and i managed to get myself under control even his statement on 'i'm still not convinced with your reasons etc.' sort of heat up the room. walah...i had the thought this guy would be the same like the ones that not in favour of my case, but i think it was still a good thing as he listened, without making any offensive remarks on me.
i got myself a bit drama where i kept mentioning how bad i want the job, how bad the impact would be on me and all those dark stories especially on my emotional breakdown once i experienced when lost the fight last time. still he kept mentioning he was not too 'convinced' and asked me to share more info and all the mails that been circulated before, just get him more into the loop.
i blew out my disappointment on my HR SM. i'm kind of a whistle blower, but he stopped me before i could utter the word b%$^h. i am bad boy!

22nd December 05
even i had kind of good mood after ucop advice on the day before, my fear of losing getting stronger. i felt just so hopeless and helpless as i kept imagined on how my bad dream i had before could turn into real in the coming meeting. somehow, i pampered myself by i kept telling that i've done everything i could and the only thing i have now is doa. Let Allah decide, and i shall accept whatever the result is.
Helpless and hopeless, i couldn't help myself from sharing my feeling with others and bug them with my mail, begging that they'll walk and pray with me. but then i felt the right thing to do was to thank them as they, even with a simple 'good luck' wish, actually have been walking with me all the way of this journey. it was kind a moment of reflection,where i realized how selfish i've been, bugging all the time without thanking for every single moment that they have spared for me.
They still and always be with me. to have kind of warming and sincere reaction towards my mail, was a blessed and i sort of gained more and more strength.at a point, i felt like winning already, and even i fear to face the bad result, i felt i will not be alone and they'll be with me no matter what.

23rd December 05
So much for 'Thursday's Blues', the weaker side of me still there and it kept fighting for its place in my heart and mind. i had kind of mixed feeling that morning, as even i felt like i'm ready to face the world, i still fear of losing. too lunatic. but i knew, that moment, after all that've been done, i only have doa and tawakal. even i knew i was not alone, the feeling of to have facing the outcome will be still on myself, my own. i couldn't help myself from sending sms to them and begged that they'll pray for a good news.
i met a collegue that work with me back when i was in Carigali, in the flight to KL. we had quite a chat and sharing a lot of thoughts on this matter. the wish and pray i had, just another vote for me, if i put it that way. Alhamdulillah.
as the flight was delayed, i arrived KLIA bit late, almost an hour. then took a bus to Chan Sow Lin station before proceed to Concorde for check in. i met Adli, my good old friend back in KMYS, in KLCC at 3pm. it's been quite ages since the last time we met in London, and he's now doing fine, further his study in UIA. at 4pm, i arrived at level 24 and walking around the level, to find the DOM's office. His secretary, Zurina, greeted me first, after saw me kind of lost searching for the place. He was still in a meeting, and i had myself sat enjoying the view of KL from the level while waiting.
it was kind of quiet, even i could felt and heard me breath. i knew, the fear, the hopes and everything. but i came not to know the result, i came to thank him and to apology...
listen to: We Belong Together by MC
reading : Privilege of Youth

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