chapter 12 - part 4

spinning around

i can't stand to fly
i'm not that naive
i'm just out to find
the better part of me

i feel so connected to the song, lately and keep telling my buddies about it. i know it's kind of so weird to hear it, may it is just me. i mean, i'm kind being to deep with my emotions and thoughts. i love to see things not as it is, i want to see it more than it is. what it could be, what will it be. i know, i'm such a pathetic loser, compared to others in this world, but hey, my life is a world of my own. even they said no man is an island, sometimes it's good to be it. impossible. this ain't dream or fairy tale, where one could reach the star or having sex with damn hot Jessica Alba, for 24-7. this life, real life where you'll get bleed, you'll get hurt and you'll say 'ouch' if been pinched.
what the heck!
ok. u got it! i'm experiencing kind of emotional breakdown since work-clock started at 8 am this morning.i received mail from PMO's GM, sharing the find out from his 'discussion' with my HR SM and reading the mail again and again, i could see and feel how this game is going to be played. She, my HR SM is really piss off with me, i assumed from her mail to GM and plus told everything about our meeting last few weeks, in her version, which technically not quite right. i mean few points lead to misconception, could possibly. then i got quite a 'hostile' email from Arman, my buddy back when i was in PPL and he really hits me this time. suprise, actually to know how people that you think you could trust, is now against you. and i'm technically don't get his vote as he clearly said that he's not on my side. it was quite a challenging moment, to read through his blunt mail as more or less like seeing a reflection of the other side that been against me. i thought he understands, as he knew the story before and had been quite encouraging back when we were buddy.
honestly, as read the feedback from my HR SM, shared by the GM, and start to see how they set the rules for the game, my fear growing stronger. it's kind of trauma actually, to know and to feel the 'unwanted' history could easily repeat itself. which means, things more or less like running in circles, no end. i know life is like a wheel, but to be more precise, it could be different kind of wheels. one that vertically stand, one that has no air, one that land flat horizontally on the ground. my case it could be the one that land flat horizontally on the ground, there is not top or bottom, except the same level and you getting no where.
i was shaking, that i felt as i completely read the mail again and again. ucop again been the victim of my bugging habit, but this time i wrote him only - i'm shaking - as the fear of losing really knocking my soul. i felt like a revisit of my bad dream i had few weeks ago, where all of what i've been hoping for this appeal turned out to be a national joke. and it's true what ucop replied back to me, i started to lose my focus...on work, on my self and everything. my chest started to feel weird and when i sat alone in car, warmed up the engine, thinking all of the bad outcomes, i felt like i was out of breath. i fear this, as i had experience this kind of physical effect before, when i had kind of breakdown.
and so some people notice. adli could read my face, that i'm in kind of stress and honestly, i am in one. i could feel my eyebrow, my forehead wrinkles like i'm thinking something on newton's 4th dimension theory.
faiz approached me to share the commotion as i mail him not to disturb me due to 'i'm having kind of emotional breakdown'. i only haven't told my boss on this. i mean, i want to tell him that i fear there'll be nobody speaking on behalf of me during the meeting. i feel like the whole world is against me, and i couldn't win ever, even this time. i'm not sure will i have the guts and courage to convince my SGM tomorrow. Will he be on my side?
i'll be meeting DOM's SGM on Friday. i couldn't get him earlier due to his tight schedule. i've caused kind of chaos and i'm not sure what's really his perception on small people like me, as he's been keeping his thought silently so far. i never had him speak, i never had him write anything to me. will i be such a threat? will i be such a bad actor from his eye?

it's not easy to be me
i've been playing the part as good boy and been taken for granted like hell.
i started to be bit aggresive, speak up and treasure what i feel i want, but they turned me violent.
they won because they have the green kryptonite with them
they forgot about the story of Jor-El and the existence of Red Kryptonite.
they think i'm such a freak.
they think i'm such a wimp.
they think i'm such a dump.

i will never forgive them for making fool on my aspiration.
i will never forgive them for making fool on my dignity.

i know i'm fragile, but i'm not totally broke.
i have faith and love.
i have heart that makes me a human.

listen to: Superman - Five for Fighting
reading : how to fuck your dream girl and how to kill your enemies.
addiction : cursing from heart

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